How to Dress for the Edinburgh Festival

We are coming to the end of August, the month in which Edinburgh residents rent their flats out to Londoners for London prices so that they can finally get some sunshine.  Not so for all of us, some must stay and brave it out.  Every year I think I have it sussed, every year I have the same wardrobe malfunctions.  Here is the unwritten guide to dressing for the festival, take heed of these words of wisdom and you will avoid discomfort, to some extent at least.

Beware of:

Cobbled Streets.  I strongly disagree with those who swear by the ballet flat.  These are bad for your posture, the arches of your feet and your air of authority as you stride purposefully over the cobbles.  Edinburgh festival requires a short, stout, no nonsense 1940s style heel, nothing too high or you will be singled out as an impostor and ruthlessly attacked with flyers, which brings me onto my next point...

Flyering.  Every show gets at least fours stars, in fact if you can find one with less it might be worth taking the flyer for it as these are a rare commodity and a collectible item.  To avoid carrying the hopes and dreams of every wannabe comedian I suggest instead gripping tightly to a boxy handbag.  This can act both as an excuse for not taking said flyers and as a kind of battering ram to get you through the crowds.  See examples below.

Sudden Rain.  Obviously a Mac is a sensible solution – both lightweight and waterproof it is more effective than the humble brolly as rain in Edinburgh tends to come at you sideways and even, on occasions, bounce off those pesky cobbles back into your face.  Do carry the brolly as a precautionary measure however, just never actually put it up.  Instead use it rather like your handbag; for crowd control and navigation.  See below.

Sudden Sun (a somewhat rarer commodity): Do not laden yourself down with factor fifty and a deckchair.  All you need is a pair of retro glasses tucked in your bag.  I am also an advocate of the fan.  Yesterday I was squeezed into a container watching...I don’t know what as I spent the entire hour wondering why no one has launched a marketing campaign to re-brand the fan and bring it back into everyday use.

Finally beware of this:

Bloating.  Most of your meals will consist of something in a roll so make sure your clothes are forgiving!